When Aging Parents Need Help

I haven't posted for a long while because of the added demands on my time caused by the serious illness of my father. My mother is ten years younger than my dad, and has cared for him through several operations and a debilitating blood disorder that has weakened him severely in the past few months. He spent more than fifty days in hospital before Christmas, when my mother decided that he wasn't getting any better in hospital, and it was time to take him home. She is seventy-five years old, a strong and capable woman, although the long daily bus trip to the hospital to be with my father was a strain on her. She doesn't drive a car, and felt guilty "taking up my time" to be her chauffeur. Prior to my father's hospitalization, I was dropping in frequently to do errands, take her shopping, and drive my father to his medical appointments and to the lab for his weekly bloodwork. Although he drove his own car for as long as he could, he'd put off asking the doctor to sign an application for a disabled parking permit--he was afraid that having such a permit could possibly mean that his driver's license would not be renewed next time around. But he was having difficulty walking, so I would drive him to the door of the medical office, my mother would help him out of the car and into the building, and I would go park, hoping to find a spot from which I could wait and see the entrance and exit to the building, so that I could quickly move the vehicle closer when I saw them exit. Eventually, even my father agreed that the disabled parking permit was necessary, and he received one the week we also bought him a walker. He had always insisted that using a walker would be like "giving up" and didn't want his same-aged neighbour to see him using a walker. His weakness embarrassed him. Whenever we had to take dad out, we tried to find a shopping cart for him to hold onto. My mother insisted the cart wasn't really necessary--until the day she pulled the cart away to return it before he'd reached the car, and my father fell in the parking lot.

Sometimes it's difficult to convince your parents that they need help. It may be hard for them to accept what is happening, and to afford some of the things they may really need. But certain items should be purchased before an accident convinces them that such supports are essential.

• Make sure your parents have medical insurance and that premiums are paid. My father was lucky to live in Ontario, which has a government health plan. He also had semi-private hospitalization coverage with Manulife Financial through his former employer. One of the drugs he received in hospital, to deal with a lung infection, cost $400 a day, alone. At home, his medical insurance covers 80 percent of his prescription drug costs. However there are other unforeseen expenses--the special bandages the homecare nurse suggested my mother apply to the bedsores my dad had developed in hospital, cost $18. So don't assume that because your parents have medical insurance that all expenses will be covered. Do they have savings for unforeseen expenses? Will you be able to help out if they do not?
• If your parent sometimes loses their balance or strength when standing, buy them a shower chair. Falls are a leading cause of health problems in the elderly.
• If a person seeks out a grocery cart to help them walk, it's time to buy them a cane and a proper walker with a seat and brakes.
• If a person needs a walker, they should apply for a disabled parking permit.
• If your parent cannot hear you when you are speaking at a normal volume, make an appointment and take them for a hearing assessment. If their hearing aid stops working properly, take them to have it adjusted, repaired or replaced. The government and/or health insurance plans may provide some monetary assistance for hearing aids--but only if the patient is assessed and the hearing aid prescribed by a registered audiologist. A person who is sick in the hospital cannot go for an assessment or a hearing aid adjustment; imagine being hospitalized and unable to hear your nurses and doctors. Don't let your parents depend on you to be their ears and "translate" in conversations for them.
• If a person is using a walker and may eventually need a wheelchair--start looking. Wheelchairs are expensive and if you let all your friends and acquaintances know one is needed, someone may be able to lend or access a used one for you.

Is it possible to convert a steep concrete staircase into a wheelchair ramp in the middle of the winter? My father lives in a bungalow, but the front door is accessed by four steep steps. He cannot manage the stairs outside the front door, or walk down the steps leading to the back door, and my mother cannot support him. He can only make it from his bed to a chair--how will we get him to his doctor appointments? I believe there is an ambulance transportation service , and that my father could be transported out of the house on a stretcher. My parents, who would never spend money on a taxi ride, will worry about the cost.

• Don't wait until an elderly person becomes housebound before discussing what may be needed to make their home more accessible, and when these alterations should be done. If going through a home renovation will be too stressful or expensive, would moving to an apartment or an assisted-livng facility be a better option? Think about what may need to be done before putting the family house up for sale.
• Check out home health care centres and see what's available to make life easier. When my dad left the hospital, my sister went to purchase a "potty chair" that can be wheeled into my parents' bathroom and positioned over the toilet. My parents already had a shower chair. But because they shower in the bathtub and do not have a shower stall, there is no way for him to shower or bathe properly unless someone can lift him into the tub, and we are not strong enough to do this. Sponge baths are so far, his only alternative.
• Before your parent leaves hospital, try to speak to the hospital social worker yourself. What resources can be provided for home help? Try to have these in place before your parent is signed out.
• Think ahead and plan. Budget to purchase supplies and make home renovations that may enable a disabled, elderly or ailing person to remain at home for as long as they wish and can possibly cope.