Is it better to express or repress anger?
When I was in my early twenties, I lived in a tiny room in The Barbizon Hotel for Women in New York City while I was a Guest Editor at Mademoiselle Magazine. A great-aunt whose second husband was a a psychology professor at Columbia University, invited me to their beautiful country home for a weekend.
In the morning, I woke first and went into the bathroom to shower. Not wanting to bother them, I used the clean towel hanging on the rack. When my host found out what I had done, he raged and stomped about, shouting that I had used his special, personal towel!
I was embarrassed and apologetic, but privately thought his behaviour was a little weird. My aunt tried to soothe him, his towel could be washed and dried again, in the meantime they had many more towels in the linen closet.
He stormed into their bedroom, flung himself on the bed and banged his fist into the pillow until his anger was spent. He explained later that this was the healthy way he released frustration. He told me his outburst had helped him realize that he had deeply resented the fact that my aunt had asked him to drive into the city on his day off to bring me to their home.
After that, I felt even more uncomfortable. I left as scheduled the next day, on a bus.
When I was in my early twenties, I lived in a tiny room in The Barbizon Hotel for Women in New York City while I was a Guest Editor at Mademoiselle Magazine. A great-aunt whose second husband was a a psychology professor at Columbia University, invited me to their beautiful country home for a weekend.
In the morning, I woke first and went into the bathroom to shower. Not wanting to bother them, I used the clean towel hanging on the rack. When my host found out what I had done, he raged and stomped about, shouting that I had used his special, personal towel!
I was embarrassed and apologetic, but privately thought his behaviour was a little weird. My aunt tried to soothe him, his towel could be washed and dried again, in the meantime they had many more towels in the linen closet.
He stormed into their bedroom, flung himself on the bed and banged his fist into the pillow until his anger was spent. He explained later that this was the healthy way he released frustration. He told me his outburst had helped him realize that he had deeply resented the fact that my aunt had asked him to drive into the city on his day off to bring me to their home.
After that, I felt even more uncomfortable. I left as scheduled the next day, on a bus.
I can't think of a time in my life when yelling at someone was, or would have been, the best thing to do. Anger feeds on itself and can escalate into a sorry situation.
Unless you're in the kind of life-threatening situation where it would be reasonable to scream, don't.
Inhale deeply and exhale slowly, and consider your response.
It's fine to admit, "I'm upset right now. I need some time to think. Let's talk about this later." Go for a walk, or a run. Give yourself some time and distance. When you're ready to express yourself reasonably, have a conversation, not a shouting match, and air your concerns.
And always honour your guests. Never make them feel that they are less than welcome in your home.
Unless you're in the kind of life-threatening situation where it would be reasonable to scream, don't.
Inhale deeply and exhale slowly, and consider your response.
It's fine to admit, "I'm upset right now. I need some time to think. Let's talk about this later." Go for a walk, or a run. Give yourself some time and distance. When you're ready to express yourself reasonably, have a conversation, not a shouting match, and air your concerns.
And always honour your guests. Never make them feel that they are less than welcome in your home.
